My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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