Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
