I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
