Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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