so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize