Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Pants are for mortals
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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