Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So much Jack, so little girl.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
