Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
