There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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