If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
