In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
