Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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