i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
