I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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