I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This is the prime rib incident all over again
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
