She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
