If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
