I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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