he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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