You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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