Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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