gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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