Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
