12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she peed on how many people?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
