i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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