: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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