He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
