you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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