I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
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