i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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