There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
