if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
