Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We have started to decorate penises.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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