you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
