You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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