The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
