I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.