Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.