I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
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dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..