So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I have tasted many bathrooms
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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