Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
