Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
