I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
