if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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