He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
