My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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