Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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