Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
