i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We are all done wearing pants today
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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