I was born with a shot glass in my hand
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
