I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
