eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
