Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
