Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
