I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
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I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
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Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax