if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
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Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
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An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.