I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix