I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.