dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
