Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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