I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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