She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
