there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
