I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
